If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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somewhere, in an alternate universe
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.