What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
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I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Botany good plants lately?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.