WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..