Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The French cow says MEUX…
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….