NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I unironically love this joke.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
📽️movie date🎞️
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.