the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*limbos away from your hug*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon