I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead