“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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Every damn time
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
three things we don’t talk about