There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.