Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year