Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.