honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.