Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it