Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?