My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Flock of bats
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m too immature for adultery.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me