There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.