[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Y’all know who you are.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you