15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
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Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.