i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.