i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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The opposite of goth is stopth.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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the three genders
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.