If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.