what are they serving at kfc then???
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Hmm, not sure about this change
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time