Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen