The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson