Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”