Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Autocorrect completely socks
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My boss called in sick of me