as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.