banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
This could be us but you eatin’
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”