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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Ken is short for chicken
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.