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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
🙄😏😂🤣
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.