[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
👾👾👾
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.