Now, where’s the sport in that?
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.