My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”