My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.