Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
You Might Also Like
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.