are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Lmfaoooooo
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The old gods are rising again.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.