Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
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boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
this is how life feels
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear