First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh