[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
This rocks
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out