Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers