Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.