Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You Might Also Like
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it