A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
won’t smith
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Natural selection at its finest
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.