Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.