I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
the simulation is moving too fast
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
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