Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail