date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”