Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.