Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
You Might Also Like
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
titanic
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?