Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Dietest Coke
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually