Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me