[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos