Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Something Saturday.